Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
