You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
