Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize