I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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