I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
