Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
