i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
