made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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