Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize