Pants 0. Shit 1.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
