Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
