He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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