I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
