I think my vagina is haunted
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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