Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
