he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
