just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
