i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have surprise drugs for everyone
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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