Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
