Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
