Don't you send me to vm
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
