Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
