I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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