I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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