Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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