Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
