Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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