When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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