my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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