You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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