at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
