I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
