if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
50% drunk capacity currently
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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