This house was built for laser tag.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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