my vag is so smooth its legendary
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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