i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
