I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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