i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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