i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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