your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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