I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
