I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
