So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
