i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
