I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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