Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
