I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We smell like vodka and hangover
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