Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
