Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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