is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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