Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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