I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize