Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
