Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We have started to decorate penises.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize