She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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