Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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