I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
