He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
