I am puke
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
where are my eyebrows?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
