I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
