I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
