I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
