Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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