We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We left the knife in your bed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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